I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
