Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
