Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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