We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
