You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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