im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
