i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
