I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
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so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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