please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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