smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think my vagina is haunted
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she told me i tasted like america
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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