I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
