My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
