When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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