you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
