The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
