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I must be too annoying 4 u.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
