he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
