Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
