3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
