Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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