seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
