Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
