I have demons in me.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
