we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
