is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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