I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
