Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
