the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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