Where are you?
In a non slutty way
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
