my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
