There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
