She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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