My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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