two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
