I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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