I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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