if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
two words...techno handjob
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
