I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
