just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this is an emotional support booty call
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
