Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You are a genius and a whore.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
