i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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