my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
