First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
