what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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