we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
