if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
