you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
