WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
