why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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