There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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