If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He shit in the fireplace
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
