your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
